I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.