I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
pep talk
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before