I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Genius idea!!
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real
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.