Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Mountain Goat : )
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.