My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep