The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Time for evil
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.