The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Tony Hawk, age 6
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
iPhone X
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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Well, this explains it:
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*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.