I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead