me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
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[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas