[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.