Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

japanese corn

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

My brain is a bad influence on me

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.