My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
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College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?