@samalmightysam

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

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@T_Bonezzz_

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

@pumpkin_horse

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

@Smooheed

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

@JohnMayer

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

@mommajessiec

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

@PieChord

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

@KlMBERLY_

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

@wolfpupy

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

@junejuly12

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@Im_Tricia

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”