Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
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Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why