[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Its a hippotatomus
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
How animals would run if they were human
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail