me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”