starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
You Might Also Like
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
just pretend nothing happened
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?