[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.