*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
3% human
97% stress
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.