Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
i spent way too long on this
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.