My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
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From Facebook just now…
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.