Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My current situation
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.