God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.