“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
You Might Also Like
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My dress code is business-casualty.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?