Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
In space, no one can hear…
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Check your privilege
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.