COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?