“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.