WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?