Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Happy birthday to all the women
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good