What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.