Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
and now we wait
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car