I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Every time.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco