I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
This hospital has everything
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no