Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
You Might Also Like
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.