I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
181.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human