The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
greetings!
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
#CatsOnTwitter
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.