greetings!
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.