ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
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I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe