Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
OKAY DAD
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
nobody’s gonna understand
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.