apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently