Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
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I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
buys donuts instead
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.