You Might Also Like
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The news
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.