Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.