Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
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You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!