Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
You Might Also Like
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Good morning
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?