me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
🤣😂
Me in tagged photos
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
oh my gosh!!
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.