[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Happy Febuary everyone!
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Same post same
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?