[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually