Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Ghost costume 😂
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms