[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
You Might Also Like
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?