Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I enjoy a good short stor
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.