TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
This is sending me to another galaxy
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”