me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You Might Also Like
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.