This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.