This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED